Dress for ARTSBRIDGE's 25th Anniversary Gala in October

J Crew dress (see more formal dresses)

Just thought I'd post this funny pic of my daughter with our cranky kitty, Hernando!

Throw me a dream please, it's been a dreamless sleep...

Ahhh...insomnia. It always seems like I'm writing these blogs when I can't sleep! I'm too scared to try Ambien or Lunesta...I've heard too many stories about feeling horrid the next day to even try them. I'm extremely excited about tomorrow...no work! Of course I missed 3 days last week getting my teeth pulled and recovering afterwards..so I should feel guilty...but I don't. I don't hate my job per se...it has its perks and my bosses have been somewhat lenient as it is a non-profit and they can't really afford to pay us a salary that is commensurate with how much work we do. If I need to come in late occasionally I can do that without anyone flipping out. I am going to admit to something that is going to seem totally sacrilegious to some of my female sisters out there...I'd rather not work at all outside the home. There I've said it and I'll wait a moment for all the shocked gasps to subside...

Seriously though, I spent 13 years being a "stay at home" Mom...and most of the time I loved it. As a "stay at home" mom I spent lots of time with my children when they were toddlers, teaching them things like their "ABC's," and how clouds can look pictures floating by. We'd spend hours planting or picking flowers, learning how to make new things together (generally VERY messy but fun), handling tantrums, drying tears...watching each season go by together. Reveling in the return of warm spring grass, splashing in wading pools and going to the beach in summer, going apple and pumpkin picking in fall, catching snowflakes on our tongues in winter...it was a happy blur that went by all too quickly. Of course it wasn't perfect...there were frustrations (mostly with my ex-husband) and tough times. Mainly, it was very, VERY good. I miss that more than I can say. I don't mean to sound whiny, I know there are lots of women out there who, for financial or other reasons have never been able to stay at home with their children for any length of time. I have to be completely honest though...with the exception of my marital problems during this time, I have never felt so happy or so fulfilled...sure, things got busier as my kids started school and became involved in various pursuits, soccer, preschool, ballet lessons...I did a lot of chauffeuring...but the fact was that I had the luxury of being the chauffeur, the soccer mom, the cupcake baker...and all on my own terms.

After my ex-husband left us, well, all of that went to hell for a while. I had to scramble to find a job, go back to college to gain some marketable skills, and juggle a household of early teens and pre-teens who were emotionally as distraught as I was that their father had basically disappeared. Gone were the busy but easygoing days as I scrambled to put food on the table, work 2 jobs, 7 days a week, and try to talk the bank into not foreclosing on our mortgage. It was miserable and affected us all adversely. It took us a long time to recover from this both financially and emotionally. I believe my oldest son in particular still is recovering from the pain of that time.

The man I am married to now is a beautiful, patient, wonderful, kind, & patient (did I mention patient?) person...I can't say enough good things about him! It's funny because I am very happy in my marriage now (which I definitely wasn't before) yet very unfulfilled in my job. Instead of enjoying what I do, I feel as though my job is holding me back & keeping me from doing the things I want to do...AND the things that I should be doing. When I get home from my job all I want to do is collapse. I am emotionally exhausted from working all day with someone who acts more like a child than an adult. I want to fix fun meals, keep my house ship-shape, having meaningful conversations with my spouse & my 2 teens who are still at home and instead I am so drained I can't do much more than order pizza & take a nap.

I feel guilty about all of this...I feel as though neither my job nor my family are getting the best they should. And forget taking care of myself...I have no time for hobbies or exercise or writing that amazing novel that's sitting in the back of my brain somewhere. My house is a wreck and while we all pitch in and clean it in spurts, it's never truly clean or sparkling.

If I could financially afford to not work this would be my ideal life: I would stay at home part of the time and cook and clean and try new recipes. I'd go to the Y and swim and take aerobics classes and walk. I would paint and learn new art forms...I would sculpt and bead and decoupage. I would paint the rooms in my house that need repainting. I would even strip and stain all this lovely antique woodwork in our house that is currently neglected. I would plant flowers and vegetables and make bouquets and meals for shut-ins and friends. I would volunteer for causes I believe in. I'd be busy...but I'd be doing what I believed in.

Right now...I'm definitely not.

It's the nature of the experiment...It's the patterns of my temperament...

Ah, me...(sigh). Well, I mentioned the wisdom teeth pulling in my last blog. As of this Tuesday they are gone forever...alas, poor wisdom teeth, I knew you well (no disrespect to Shakespeare)! They gave me Vicodin for the pain...something I had not experienced before...usually I get Tylenol w/ codeine for these sorts of things. It definitely makes you feel fuzzy although why anyone would want to use it as a recreational drug is beyond me...just not all that exciting, folks. They actually made me feel kinda nauseous. I'm having fun with the "soft foods diet" as well...maybe I'll lose some weight (one can dream, right?). It feels pretty funky...I have stitches so it feels like I have something permanently stuck in my back teeth. Sure hope that feeling goes away soon or it will drive me crazy!
Had a fun (not) incident tonight with my daughter. She's only had her driver's license since the spring and is still a bit unsure of herself...especially in nasty weather. We had a tornado watch and high wind warning tonight so I had no plans to be out in it. Well, you know what they say about best laid plans. My husband had a meeting tonight and called to say he had accidentally locked his keys in his car and wanted my daughter to drop them off. She was out so as soon as she got back we headed out...I went with her because I knew she would never find the library (where the meeting was held) by herself and in the dark. So...she's nervous already and I am in a pain killer stupor (see above). About five minutes into our drive the wind starts blowing like crazy, the rain starts pouring down, you can see the gusts swirling it around, it was so heavy! It got to the point that you could see nothing through the windshield...and THEN...objects start flying across the road in front of us!! My daughter became completely hysterical because not only could she not see the road at all, she was certain that we were in the middle of a tornado. This became one of those "mom moments"...you know the ones where you'd like to be hysterical too but you know that you have to be calm for your child? I kept speaking to her in the calmest voice I could muster...and prayed silently inside my head at the same time. Thankfully we got to our destination intact...definitely not an experience I would want to repeat! Unfortunately it doesn't end there...my daughter was so freaked out that she refused to drive home so therefore I had to despite being completely fuzzy with painkillers coursing through my veins. Luckily, I was so freaked out myself that I think all the buzz from the painkillers disappeared...thank heaven for adrenaline! Under normal circumstances I would never drive under the influence of anything, but if I had not I would have been sitting in the library parking lot at this very moment!

You know I used to wonder how my mother used to stay so calm during my (and my sister's) accidents, "freak outs", & emotional moments when we were growing up. Maybe she was actually silent freaking out inside too but just knew better than to show it! I guess it is something that develops over time...you learn to be strong...I think it is a gift that God gives to mothers. Otherwise, I would be freaking out right along with my kids! I never thought I would develop this skill (not that I don't still freak out on occasion), I know I'm still learning...at times I have to repeat "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over & over (and take a lot of deep breaths as well). I can't tell you how grateful I am to God for helping me learn these "mom lessons" even though my children are nearly grown!

It's oh so quiet...it's oh so still...

I REALLY should not be up this late!! I will be going to work late though so that will help..ha ha! I have a problem with insomnia...not sure what causes it, stress maybe? We are in the middle of a winter storm warning so there was lots of snow when I woke up. My daughter Traci had to work at 7AM...I was worried about her driving in it...sure enough, at about 6:45 she called to say she was stuck. Matt & I had to pick her and her car up and drop her off at work...thank God she is safe (and when I say thank God, I really DO mean it...it's not a curse word ;-)). I chipped a nice chunk off of one of my wisdom teeth last night which resulted in a quick visit to the dentist this morning. He recommended that it be pulled and that I might as well have all the rest of them pulled...lovely. :-/ I have an appt. next month with an oral surgeon...even lovelier. I haven't been to an oral surgeon since high school...and it wasn't a happy moment then, let me tell ya. Well, it could be worse...at least it's not a root canal. I didn't have to go to work today because of the storm...yeah!! nothing like getting a REAL snow day once you're a grown-up, huh? Okay to bed, to bed for me...hopefully tomorrow will bring better things. Good night!

Waisting My Time...In the Waiting Line...

I've done absolutely nothing productive today...although technically Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. Well, actually I did do something...I ordered my new dishes from Macy's. That's pretty exciting considering I have been using the same ugly Corelle dishes that belonged to Matt when we got married 4 years ago. I was waiting for them to go on sale again, Macy's pulled a fast one and raised the price on them again...sneaky little twerps! I went online again today and...surprise!! They were back down to the lower price. I won't actually get them until the end of Feb. or beginning of March, but who cares? Even before Matt & I got married I was using bits & pieces of various sets. Here are a couple of pics of what they'll look like...The pattern is Italian Countryside by Mikasa.

I am SOOOO not looking forward to going to work in the morning. This will be my first full week of FULL TIME work in a long time. I wouldn't worry quite so much if our new executive director was not scary. And by scary, I don't mean that he is demanding or ...well...MEAN. It's just that he has no clue what he is doing!! Every day he comes up with crazy ideas for our agency. He has no background in the arts...kinda important for an arts agency, don't ya think?!! He also has never written a grant (where most of our funding comes from), can barely write a coherent sentence...and (horror of horrors) actually THINKS he's funny and interesting to talk to!!! He talks incessantly(mostly about himself)...one day last week he parked himself in front of my desk and talked for an hour and a half!! How do you tell your boss he needs to leave you alone to do your work?!! Add to that he has also tried to tell me where I ought to move my desk and when I should put artwork up on the walls of my new office!! I would worry that it was just me, that I was exaggerating, but my co-workers feel the same way. I guess there is nothing to do but pray & soldier on...have to admit though that I am having second thoughts with my decision to take this position. :-/

New Year, New Me (Hopefully)...

Not sure why I am attempting this, but oh well. At the very least it will give me an outlet to air my frustrations, hopes, etc. without unduly burdening my sweet (very patient) hubby & family.
What do I want to accomplish this year? I'd like to be a better wife, mom, Christian, employee, etc., etc. I'd like to lose some weight...I'm a stress eater so this is tough. :-( I'd like to make time for exercise, however, I am starting a new position where I work. My old position & new position will be put together so I will be working full-time instead of part-time. I'm pretty excited about the salary increase this will bring...but not the stress. My new boss is a lunatic (maybe more about that later). My old boss was a termagant and a b with an itch...just a mean-spirited person. So which is better...termagant or lunatic? Only time will tell...