Throw me a dream please, it's been a dreamless sleep...

Ahhh...insomnia. It always seems like I'm writing these blogs when I can't sleep! I'm too scared to try Ambien or Lunesta...I've heard too many stories about feeling horrid the next day to even try them. I'm extremely excited about tomorrow...no work! Of course I missed 3 days last week getting my teeth pulled and recovering afterwards..so I should feel guilty...but I don't. I don't hate my job per se...it has its perks and my bosses have been somewhat lenient as it is a non-profit and they can't really afford to pay us a salary that is commensurate with how much work we do. If I need to come in late occasionally I can do that without anyone flipping out. I am going to admit to something that is going to seem totally sacrilegious to some of my female sisters out there...I'd rather not work at all outside the home. There I've said it and I'll wait a moment for all the shocked gasps to subside...

Seriously though, I spent 13 years being a "stay at home" Mom...and most of the time I loved it. As a "stay at home" mom I spent lots of time with my children when they were toddlers, teaching them things like their "ABC's," and how clouds can look pictures floating by. We'd spend hours planting or picking flowers, learning how to make new things together (generally VERY messy but fun), handling tantrums, drying tears...watching each season go by together. Reveling in the return of warm spring grass, splashing in wading pools and going to the beach in summer, going apple and pumpkin picking in fall, catching snowflakes on our tongues in winter...it was a happy blur that went by all too quickly. Of course it wasn't perfect...there were frustrations (mostly with my ex-husband) and tough times. Mainly, it was very, VERY good. I miss that more than I can say. I don't mean to sound whiny, I know there are lots of women out there who, for financial or other reasons have never been able to stay at home with their children for any length of time. I have to be completely honest though...with the exception of my marital problems during this time, I have never felt so happy or so fulfilled...sure, things got busier as my kids started school and became involved in various pursuits, soccer, preschool, ballet lessons...I did a lot of chauffeuring...but the fact was that I had the luxury of being the chauffeur, the soccer mom, the cupcake baker...and all on my own terms.

After my ex-husband left us, well, all of that went to hell for a while. I had to scramble to find a job, go back to college to gain some marketable skills, and juggle a household of early teens and pre-teens who were emotionally as distraught as I was that their father had basically disappeared. Gone were the busy but easygoing days as I scrambled to put food on the table, work 2 jobs, 7 days a week, and try to talk the bank into not foreclosing on our mortgage. It was miserable and affected us all adversely. It took us a long time to recover from this both financially and emotionally. I believe my oldest son in particular still is recovering from the pain of that time.

The man I am married to now is a beautiful, patient, wonderful, kind, & patient (did I mention patient?) person...I can't say enough good things about him! It's funny because I am very happy in my marriage now (which I definitely wasn't before) yet very unfulfilled in my job. Instead of enjoying what I do, I feel as though my job is holding me back & keeping me from doing the things I want to do...AND the things that I should be doing. When I get home from my job all I want to do is collapse. I am emotionally exhausted from working all day with someone who acts more like a child than an adult. I want to fix fun meals, keep my house ship-shape, having meaningful conversations with my spouse & my 2 teens who are still at home and instead I am so drained I can't do much more than order pizza & take a nap.

I feel guilty about all of this...I feel as though neither my job nor my family are getting the best they should. And forget taking care of myself...I have no time for hobbies or exercise or writing that amazing novel that's sitting in the back of my brain somewhere. My house is a wreck and while we all pitch in and clean it in spurts, it's never truly clean or sparkling.

If I could financially afford to not work this would be my ideal life: I would stay at home part of the time and cook and clean and try new recipes. I'd go to the Y and swim and take aerobics classes and walk. I would paint and learn new art forms...I would sculpt and bead and decoupage. I would paint the rooms in my house that need repainting. I would even strip and stain all this lovely antique woodwork in our house that is currently neglected. I would plant flowers and vegetables and make bouquets and meals for shut-ins and friends. I would volunteer for causes I believe in. I'd be busy...but I'd be doing what I believed in.

Right now...I'm definitely not.